I always feel awkward when asked my favorite color, song, or any other type of trivial question. I have my standard responses I remain consistent with over time, but they are only consistent lies. Are those types of questions fundamentally awkward to you too?
I like things that look nice. I may lean toward one color or another at times, but I would never seek out the color before or to the exclusion of something that looks nice. It feels like color prejudice or something to say I have a favorite. I’m open minded to all colors in any situation more like an artistic mind I guess. That is the kind of thought process I go through when I’m asked to pick my favorite (x). I want to respond with the equally vague questions of when and what circumstances.
Some may call it over thinking, but what use is there in saying you have a favorite when in reality it is more complicated. Like, is that favorite song playing at a wedding, a house party, and a funeral. Or, are all your clothes your favorite color.
What do you think a person’s response to such questions says about them, their depth, curiosity, and open mindedness?
I always interpret such questions as rather benign in themselves, so they deserve benign answers.
For example, I like nature, which is my reason why green is the color I’ll name when someone asks for my favorite color.
I’d say, they’re meant to be answered without context, unless you’ve got something specific/interesting, like “Orange, except for clothing, because I don’t want to look like a traffic cone”.
Ultimately, it’s usually small talk. So, you just want to tell a little bit about yourself, without nosediving into a complete decision tree…
I don’t know if I’m offended or shocked that you’d call music “trivial”.
My preferences for music are both intense and very granular. It’s annoying to my wife that I’m constantly trying to figure out what she likes about the music she listens to, when she says she just likes what she likes. But even she thinks music is important, even if she avoids analyzing her preferences.
When I say a song is a favorite, I mean I could literally listen to it on loop and probably have. I mean I will never skip it if it comes on during shuffle. Most of those songs have a high level of emotional intensity, especially despair; female or especially mixed male and female vocals; rock or folk instrumentation; and themes of loss but not usually regret.
Not knowing why you like or dislike a piece of music is like not knowing why you like or dislike a food, or a person, or a smell, or a building. How can you go through life knowing so little about yourself?
In my experience it’s mostly children or young teenagers who expect you to like one colour or one song more than any others.
I think it’s because they are still figuring out what personal identity is.
In reality our tastes are more multifaceted and complex.
I understand these questions as conversation openers rather than actual questions.
Having one “favorite” anything let alone something as vague as a color, is impossible. And the person asking doesn’t really want a specific answer, they just don’t know what to say so they also follow a scripted questions they’ve heard before.So I will respond with something like “I listen mostly to Genre A and Genre B. I’ve been to the concert of Band Z recently. What’s the latest concert you’ve been to?”
Or “I try to wear bright colors in the winter, to try and compensate for the gray days and cold nights”Something related to the opening question but doesn’t have to be a singular answer. More like your general opinion on colors followed by a question so the other person has something to latch onto for their turn in conversation.
Ah, small talk stresses me out. Why can’t people just open with “tell me something you accomplished or learned this year”?
Then we cut right to the things that matter.
“tell me something you accomplished or learned this year”
That’s gonna sound hostile to a good chunk of people. Rather than asking ‘what’, it demands ‘tell me’. Next, it supposes the other person be accomplished in act or learning. It is the difference between saying, “How you doin’?” and “Prove you are worth my attention.”
It would be inaccurate to take it as a literal quote :)
This is just what I wish I could say. Small talk annoys me greatly, and in practice I want to shift conversations in deeper directions as quickly as reasonably possible. I’d much rather exchange a few thoughtful phrases with a stranger than a large volume of nonsense. “Can you tell me something important about yourself?” is maybe a little less aggressive. Anyway, my Vietnamese language skills are not good, and immigrants are rare here in Vietnam, so conversation is… necessarily direct :)
I actually do want people to prove they are worth my attention! If they haven’t learned or accomplished anything in a year (in their opinion, not mine), then I can’t talk about things I’ve done or learned without it getting awkward, and I have nothing else to talk about (I spend essentially all my time either working or studying). I just don’t have room in my life for many people, either. This isn’t their fault or mine. My wife is the same way (and we certainly skipped the small talk when we met – we went right to engineering schematics for something or other).
I’ll share a funny story that might explain a bit of my frustration – I live in Asia, so all my conversations are extremely scripted. How are you / how old are you / where were you born / are you married / do you have kids / why don’t you have kids / you must silently sit here and listen while I go on a 10-20 minute rant on why you have to have kids, or I will tell everyone how rude you are. My wife and I get stuck in this conversation constantly. Sometimes so many times in a row, that we effectively do nothing but have this conversation over and over for 3-4 hours. At family events, it’s the only conversation that happens for days. It’s like a glitch in the Matrix or something, you really have to experience it to believe it!
Of course I still have to be polite, have mostly empty conversations, and so on. It’s exhausting, and I don’t remember any of their names, because I have learned nothing about them. It’s not the lack of people (in Asia?) that makes me feel alone, it’s this.
I used to think the same, but came to think small talk is kind of useful. Even though I’m not good at it.
- Hey fellow human, I acknowledge your existence and wish to interact with you
- Thank you fellow human, I also can’t dedicate mental and emotional capacity for a deeper conversation but still wish to interact with you…
I hate those questions and I do the same as you. Keeping lists. But for me, that’s probably a coping skill for ADHD. Anyway I don’t really have a single favorite anything. I have multiple favorites. More like flavors of the month lol. I dislike those questions because it makes me have to pick, as if it’s some consistent thing (it’s not) that I now get stuck with as some sort of assumption about my being.
I don’t have ordered lists of favorites for trivial things like colors, integers, and so on. Also no ordered list for less trivial things. No favorite songs, movies, books, historical figures, etc.
I don’t judge people (or myself) based on having or not having these lists, because that itself would be me creating a list – my favorite thing would then become not having favorite things, and that would of course be silly :D
When asked for my favorite color or song, I figure the person wants to talk and is looking for a way to start (or continue) a conversation. Maybe the person is just bored and looking for something to talk about. Maybe they are hoping I wax rhapsodical about how how awesome my song is and my detailed evidence proving why all must acknowledge its true greatness. Okay, strike that last bit. No one wants me to go one that long.
Nah, I’d be like, go on! Do you associate that song with a particular event, person, time or place in your life? When did you first hear it? In what context is it your fave? Have you ever heard it played live? What was that like? Could you ever imagine another song taking its place or is it too sentimental or ingrained into your very being?
Basically a question like “fave colour/song” is often a simple test. The kind of answer you give should indicate whether or not the topic can be opened up or expanded upon or even just indicate if you want to talk to this person at all right now. If you answer “blue I guess”, and look completely disinterested or “insert massive pop hit of the moment” and leave it at that, then they know to go about their day or try another topic like “So what about that sportsball game/weather/current event?”. But you might give them a nuanced answer that will lead to more conversation.
It is handy to have a simple, 1 dimensional responce if you want to shut down the conversation quickly or direct it to another topic.
